Gentleness in Marriage: Reflecting Christ in Our Words and Actions

By Robert Norman

They spoke so harshly to each other that I was baffled. After their argument, the husband looked at me and saw that I was perturbed. He smiled and said, “You will understand when you are married. So many guys say, ‘I will never speak to my wife like that,’ only to realize when they get married that it is normal.”

Well, I completely disregarded what he said to me at the time. A few years later I got married and, surprise surprise, I saw that it is, indeed, common for husbands and wives to speak harshly to one another. Now, as I say that, please do not misunderstand me. It may be common, but it is certainly not acceptable for a husband and wife to speak harshly to each other.

Scripture reminds us, “A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger” (Prov. 15:1). Likewise, Paul tells believers, “Let your speech always be gracious” (Col. 4:6). Our words matter deeply, especially within marriage.

It is the acceptance of harshness that often leads to bitterness, distance, and eventually broken relationships. I want to acknowledge the reality that two sinners entering marriage will inevitably struggle with selfishness and conflict. Yet at the same time, we must reject the idea that harshness is simply “part of marriage.” Instead, Christian husbands and wives are called to pursue gentleness toward one another.

Gentleness in Biblical Marriage

R. C. Sproul once wrote about the Song of Songs:

“The Holy Spirit inspired it as a love song, one that celebrates the holy situation of sexual love and the sanctity of physical aspects of marriage.”
The Intimate Marriage, p. 119

I fully agree with his interpretation. As many pastors have noted over the years, God cares so deeply about marriage that He gave us an entire book of the Bible devoted to it. In Song of Songs, we encounter the joyful affection and tenderness of two passionate lovers. While the metaphors may feel culturally distant from us today, the warmth and delight between husband and wife should not.

Unfortunately, many Christians approach Song of Songs with embarrassment or nervous laughter. Yet marital affection and romantic delight are not things God intends us to mock. They are gifts He designed for husbands and wives to enjoy.

Perhaps part of our discomfort comes from how deeply culture has distorted romance and intimacy. Perhaps part of it comes from conviction because we realize how easily affection fades over time. During courtship and engagement, many couples carefully choose their words and actions. Yet after years of marriage, attentiveness often gives way to carelessness.

Song of Songs calls us back to affectionate, gracious, and intentional love.

The book overflows with gentle and complimentary words. Sadly, those kinds of words often disappear in marriage over time. When was the last time you intentionally encouraged your spouse? When was the last time you expressed gratitude, admiration, or affection toward them?

Show your spouse your love despite the quirks and frustrations that naturally emerge over time. Rekindle some of the affection and thoughtfulness that marked the beginning of your relationship. Scripture encourages us toward this kind of love and tenderness.

As Time Passes By: Cultivating Gentleness in Marriage

I have only been married for a few years. Even so, I have experienced enough of the joys, discouragements, and trials that come with marriage to know how easily selfishness can emerge. Spouses do not always agree. We become impatient, defensive, and harsh. Every marriage experiences these struggles to varying degrees.

As married life settles in and routines develop, affection can slowly fade into complacency if we are not careful. Yet marriage is not temporary. Christ has joined husband and wife together in covenant, and we are called to grow together in grace for the long journey ahead.

That is where gentleness must be cultivated.

Marriage is a marathon, not a sprint. Gentleness does not happen accidentally. It must be practiced intentionally. One helpful exercise is not to keep a record of your spouse’s failures—that would directly contradict 1 Corinthians 13:5—but rather to honestly reflect on your own moments of impatience, selfishness, and harshness.

As we examine our own hearts, we begin to recognize the situations and temptations that lead us toward sinful responses. Then, through humility and communication, husband and wife can work through those struggles together. In doing so, we increasingly “put off” the old self and “put on” the new self created after the likeness of Christ (Eph. 4:22–24).

I know from personal experience how easy it is to become frustrated, raise my voice, or speak selfishly. When I reflect on those moments honestly, I am grieved. How could I speak harshly to the woman I once spoke so highly of to everyone around me?

Yet self-examination, repentance, and grace soften the heart. They help us grow in gentleness and love.

Christ: The Perfect Bridegroom

In Revelation 19:6–10, we see the glorious picture of the marriage supper of the Lamb. The Church is presented as the bride, and Christ Himself is the perfect Bridegroom.

What a comfort this imagery is for believers.

Christ does not deal harshly with His people. He is patient, merciful, compassionate, and faithful toward His bride. He is the One who said He is “gentle and lowly in heart” (Matt. 11:29). Isaiah tells us that a bruised reed He will not break (Isa. 42:3). He lovingly carries His people and remains faithful to them even in their weakness and failures.

As we reflect on Christ’s gentleness toward His bride, we are reminded how much we ourselves need to grow. The Christian life is about becoming more like Christ, and that transformation should profoundly shape the way we treat our spouses.

Marriage is one of the greatest blessings God gives, but it is also one of the greatest tools of sanctification. By God’s grace, husbands and wives can learn to show one another increasing gentleness, mercy, patience, and love even through the difficulties of life together.

Pick up Robert Norman’s new book on gentleness at the shop at G3 and don’t forget to visit our YouTube.