It may not be a new revelation that today in the United States, more women than men attend church regularly. In most churches in America, all you have to do is look around at your congregation and you will see many women by themselves or with their children, while their non-churchgoing husband remains at home. Obviously, some of these are widows or divorcées but many are married women without children attending alone. According to a study cited by Grace Place Church in 2018, “On any given Sunday in the U.S., there are 13 million more adult women than men in America’s churches.” Unfortunately, the study goes on to make the claim that “…almost 25 percent of married churchgoing women will worship without their husbands.”[1] These are shocking statistics which reflect not only the deterioration of the unified family unit, but also the lack of male spiritual leadership in the home.
It has become common in the United States for married couples to have differing religious beliefs. Even though in 2019 “a Pew Study found that 65% of American adults identified as Christian,” it also found “26% were religiously unaffiliated, including atheists and agnostics.”[2] Identifying as a Christian doesn’t tell you much as it encompasses a broad category that may or may not be dedicated followers of Christ and/or church attendees. In 2015, it was found that “according to Pew Research, 39% of Americans who married after 2010 have a spouse of a different religious group.”[3] Consequently, it is not surprising that many married women worship alone, as there seems to be the opportunity for quite a lot of disunity in religious beliefs among couples, resulting in many husbands not attending church.
Homes with non-churchgoing husbands not only lack unity in spiritual growth, but also lack spiritual leadership. The potential for disagreements on spiritual matters in such a home increases greatly. As the family grows to include children, conflict is almost guaranteed to arise regarding the spiritual education of the children. The influence of worldly and secular values presents a challenge for parents to find common ground when deciding how to address these issues. Christian husbands are instructed to “love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church, because we are members of his body” (Ephesians 5:28-29, ESV). This type of love encourages unity in spiritual matters, which flows naturally to the raising and instructing of the children in the family. When this Christ-centered relationship is lacking, the churchgoing wife must take on the burden of how to respond to her husband and how to influence the children for Christ.
The circumstances may vary for how a Christian wife finds herself in the situation of being married to a non-churchgoing husband, who may not even be a Christian believer. Consider the following:
- Perhaps she may have assumed too much before they married because her husband-to-be was being raised in a Christian home.
- Perhaps they may not have discussed their spiritual beliefs in depth prior to the marriage. Her husband may have led her to believe he was a committed Christian who intends to attend church.
- Perhaps a wife may be a new believer herself, as they might have both entered the marriage uncommitted to Christ.
Whatever the situation, the Bible is clear about the wife’s role regarding her husband, which not only makes a difference in how she could influence her husband for Christ, but also her important role as a mother in bringing her children to a saving knowledge of Christ.
First of all, the Bible is clear regarding wives being “subject to your own husbands” (1 Peter 3:1, ESV), or as in Colossians 3:18, “submit to your husbands, as is fitting in the Lord”, or in Ephesians 5:22, “submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord.” If you are following the Lord, you need to follow your husband’s lead. But what if he is an unbeliever or not leading in spiritual matters, even if he claims to be a believer? In those cases, it is important to remain with a non-churchgoing husband, regardless of his status as a believer or lack-thereof, to encourage and love him. Unbelieving husbands are sanctified through their wives (1 Corinthians 7:13-14). Ordinarily in a loving relationship, if being a Christian and attending church is important to the wife, the non-churchgoing husband will be respectful of her desire to attend church, regardless of his lack of interest. Obtaining his support in a loving manner will go a long way in honoring him and imitating Christ’s love for him.
Secondly, the wife should ask for the non-churchgoing husband’s opinion on where she wants to attend church. A non-churchgoing husband may still be a believer or have enough Christian instruction to have an opinion on a denomination and where his wife attends church. If he is not a believer, he may still have an opinion on where the wife attends, or if he doesn’t want her to attend at all. Husbands who love their wives should be agreeable with their church attendance, but will also want to protect them from any fellowship with a church which may not have a good reputation or doesn’t line up with sound biblical doctrine. Please don’t assume the non-churchgoing husband doesn’t know anything about local denominations and churches or does not want to find out. Asking him for his opinion not only honors and respects him, but may also plant a seed for him to take an active role in his own relationship with the Lord and possible desire to attend church. Peter points out regarding husbands, “that even if some do not obey the word, they may be won without a word by the conduct of their wives, when they see your respectful and pure conduct” (1 Peter 3:1-2, ESV).
What can a wife do if the non-churchgoing husband refuses to allow her to attend church? The non-churchgoing (believing or unbelieving) husband may want to dominate the wife’s time on Sundays for his personal ideas of relaxation or recreation. Or, there may be some other reason for jealousy, suspicion, or some other unhealthy issues, including mental and/or physical abuse going on in the home. A wife certainly needs to pray and ask the Lord for guidance in applying the Word to her heart for patience, love, and respect, regardless of the husband’s attitude. If there is mental/physical abuse taking place, the wife should contact a pastor or biblical counselor for advice and help. Even though it is difficult for a wife many times to accept in this situation, mandatory reporting laws must be explained to her for her current and future protection. Explaining the right of civil authority, as established by God as indicated in Romans 13, will reassure the wife that this action is required. If the abusive situation cannot be resolved, she must have help to leave an abusive home environment until the husband agrees to change and shows evidence that he can provide a loving and safe home.
Finding an opportunity to discuss her feelings and desires with the non-churchgoing husband requires patience and the right timing. “Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer” (Romans 12:12, ESV). Also, remember to speak to the husband with love and kindness. “A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger” (Proverbs 15:1, ESV). A non-churchgoing husband could be turned away from the Lord if the wife is revengeful and angry with his decision to block the wife’s church attendance. If the husband has an open heart and is willing to listen, she may want to suggest that they talk with a biblical counselor regarding her desire to serve the Lord and attend church. If the husband is willing to take a step toward marriage unity and a more biblical approach to the marriage, it may be the beginning of him believing in the Lord and leading spiritually.
When children are added to the family, it becomes even more important for the wife to encourage the non-churchgoing husband to discuss spiritual unity in the home and church attendance. Some interesting statistics quoted in an article about the father’s influence regarding the children’s current and future church attendance were eye-opening. “Starting with the worst and most obvious, when neither mom nor dad attend church, 81% of the kids won’t either. When mom attends regularly, 39% of the kids will attend regularly as adults. When dad attends regularly, 67% of kids attend as adults.”[4] Obviously, the best situation for the spiritual future of children is when the parents are in agreement with regards to the necessity of church attendance. It’s interesting and crucial that male leadership makes all the difference in the child’s choice to be a church attender as an adult. This male influence highlights the biblical basis for male leadership, which can be correlated with the importance of fathers in the home, versus single mothers trying to raise the children alone. Unity in the home with male leadership is God’s plan for the family and has been shown to be successful when fulfilled with love, especially in God-honoring homes.
Wives attending church alone need to continue in patience and love toward their non-churchgoing husbands. Paul said to “[c]ontinue steadfastly in prayer, being watchful in it with thanksgiving” and also that we should “[l]et your speech always be gracious, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how you ought to answer each person” (Colossians 4:2 and 6, ESV). Don’t give up hope on your husband. Have faith as it “is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen” (Hebrews 11:1). The Lord is doing a work in the life and heart of the non-churchgoing husband as the wife faithfully attends church and lives out a godly life before him. The Lord also speaks through the children as they come home from Sunday school with exciting stories to tell about what they’ve learned from God’s Word.
Finally, with the number of wives attending church alone, it’s important for others in the congregation to encourage and pray with them regarding their non-churchgoing husbands. It can be a lonely position when a woman attending alone may not feel comfortable around couples or feel welcomed. Look for single women or women attending alone with their children and start a conversation with them. Try to determine any needs and encourage them to attend church activities, join a ladies’ Bible study or fellowship group. Invite them to lunch or coffee and make them feel part of one big church family.
Whenever appropriate, suggest that men in the church reach out to the non-churchgoing husband and ask him out to coffee or lunch. If he is open to getting to know some of the men, he may be willing to attend a men’s activity and eventually meet with the pastor and/or elders who can influence him to make a commitment to Christ (if he’s not a believer) and begin a relationship with the church family. This may be the first step in changing a family’s spiritual unity to the benefit of the entire family’s spiritual future, and ultimately build a stronger church body.
“Men Missing at Church,” February 27, 2018. Accessed September 26, 2024. https://gp.church/post/men-missing-at-church.
[2] Caryle Murphy, July 2, 2015, Accessed September 25, 2024. “Interfaith Marriage is Common in U.S. particularly among the recently wed,” https://pewresearch.org/shortreads/2015/06/02interfaith-marriage.
[3] Wikipedia. 2024. “Irreligion in the United States,” Accessed September 25, 2024. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/irreligion-in-the-united-states.
[4] Kaspar, Rev. Jason. 2021. “What If I Told You…Fathers Influence their Children’s Church Attendance?” Accessed September 25, 2024. https://whatdoesthismean.blog/what-if-i-told-you-fathers-influence-their-children’s-church-attendance.