Long-Term Marriage Happiness

So much has been written about the marriage relationship, thousands of books besides articles, sermons, and
podcasts, one might conclude that nothing more can be said. But, actually, if you have been reasonably, happily
married over 48 years, like me, you probably do have something to say that could be helpful to those who are in
their earlier years of marriage.

Admittedly, marriage can be difficult. There are specific biblical principles which make it less difficult and
greatly increase the likelihood of a long-term, happy marriage. By the grace of God, our marriage was shaped
from the early years through our relationship with Him through Jesus Christ. We didn’t follow a prescribed
marriage study course but the Holy Spirit guided us to what we needed through the regular course of life.

Looking back, it would have been helpful to have had a sound, intentional study course on marriage. However,
what we did have was gained from Scripture reading, Sunday school lessons, sermons, biblically-based books, and
Bible study groups. We gleaned biblical principles by the grace of God which the Holy Spirit helped us apply to
our marriage even when sometimes we didn’t realize it. In reflection, identifying the characteristics and fruit
of a reasonably happy marriage may help others walking through a relationship that potentially shapes and matures
you like no other and has the greatest long-term rewards.

Why Marriage Matters

Before explaining what characteristics I think make for a reasonably happy long-term marriage, it seems
important to point out why it even matters. First of all, I believe it is a relationship beyond all others that
is a testing ground and pressure chamber of sorts for individuals becoming spiritually mature. God not only
ordained for man to not be alone (Genesis 2:18, ESV) but He also wanted man and woman to become one flesh and be
unified (Genesis 2:24). Since from the beginning, people have been self-centered, questioning God’s intentions,
and wanting what was not good for them, becoming one unified flesh is easier said than done.

Secondly, marriage has benefits for the care and protection of each other. Man has a responsibility under Christ
to love his wife as Christ loved the church and pursue godliness in his life with his wife (Micah 6:8,
Ephesians 5:25, 1 Timothy 6:11). God gave man the woman to be a helper to work with him in unity for the goal
and purpose of creating a people to love and worship God (Genesis 1:28, Genesis 2:18, Deuteronomy 6:4–5,
Proverbs 31:10–31).

Finally, marriage has more long-term benefits and rewards than any other relationship. Not only is a marriage
relationship an excellent learning ground for life-long sanctification of the child of God but marriage is an
opportunity to set an example of sacrificial love for the church and children as they grow up and prepare for
adulthood (John 13:34–35, Deuteronomy 6:7–8). As we have learned the lessons of the Lord’s righteousness over
these many years, it is rewarding to be able to pass on to the next generations what we have learned, what are
the priorities of a godly life, and how we are grateful (Psalm 71:15–18).

In reflecting on our reasonably happy marriage, I can see the hand of God working. “Reasonably happy” is a
“tongue-in-cheek” expression since “happy” is a relative term depending on your perspective. For our lives, we
would say that we are happy but for someone else’s standards, they might expect more. Thankfully, we are both
serving the Lord. We didn’t start out that way but by the grace of God, within the first two years, we both
became unified in our faith and determined to love and serve the Lord. It was actually a miracle in so many ways
but our God is able to do far more exceedingly or “more abundantly than all we ask or think…” (Ephesians 3:20).

Characteristics of the Fruit of the Spirit in a Happy Marriage

There are certain characteristics that I have identified in our marriage which fall within the fruit of the
Spirit as described in Galatians 5:22, “love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness.” The list
of characteristics is fairly long but I will explain why I chose them and how they fit within the fruit of the
Spirit.

One word which is a prerequisite for the fruit of the Spirit and all the characteristics of our marriage I have
identified is the word “humility” as described in Philippians 2:1–11. Paul explains how being “in the Spirit”
means “being of the same mind, having the same love, being in full accord and of one mind” (Philippians 2:1–2).
As he goes on, Paul says we must empty ourselves of our selfishness, conceit, and our own interests (2:3–4) and
be like Christ Jesus who emptied Himself (2:7). Daily, emptying ourselves of our self-centeredness and pride is
the basis of a happy marriage and is what we have learned and are continuing to learn.

Commitment and Devotion

Falling under “faithfulness,” this seems to me to be a top priority. When you marry, you make a commitment and
covenant to love and cherish the person through all of life’s struggles. The lack of commitment is what is a
problem today with young couples. If commitment is not high on your list, your relationship is on shaky ground
from the start. Devotion is not worship but is second to your worship of God in that you make your relationship
the highest priority secondary only to God.

Jesus emphasized commitment in Matthew 19:4–6, “Have you not read that he who created them from the beginning
made them male and female, and said, ‘Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his
wife, and the two shall become one flesh’? So they are no longer two but one flesh. What therefore God has joined
together, let not man separate.”

I can truly say that we have devoted ourselves to our commitment as our top priority secondary only to serving
God.

Sacrifice

In giving up self-centeredness and thinking more of the needs of others, we are to sacrifice for our spouse.
Jesus said, “But whoever would be great among you must be your servant…” (Matthew 20:26).

Every day from the time we wake up until we retire at night, we plan our time with the other person in mind.
Sometimes that requires changing your plans or your schedule or fitting in your hobbies or interests around your
responsibilities to do what your spouse needs you to do.

For instance, nothing else takes priority, other than our devotion time with the Lord, than making sure meals are
prepared on time which is a sacrificial service for the health of my husband. Sacrifice could be categorized
under “faithfulness” and “love” as it needs both.

Love, Kindness, and Caring

These are all linked together under “love” since all require a sacrificial attitude and a special effort of
compassion and thoughtfulness. John explains that “if we love one another, God abides in us and his love is
perfected in us” (1 John 4:12). No one can learn to love with any kind of perfection without abiding in God.

We show love through kindness and caring in service toward our spouse. John also said, “let us not love in word
or talk but in deed and in truth” (1 John 3:18). Love never gives up. “Love bears all things, believes all
things, hopes all things, endures all things” (1 Corinthians 13:7).

Paul upheld compassion, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience with high regard but emphasized, “And above
all these put on love, which binds everything together in perfect harmony” (Colossians 3:12, 14).

For instance, my husband and I hug each other every morning and prepare to spend some time in conversation and
biblical devotional reading before we start our day. When we end the day, we make it a priority to warmly embrace
even if we don’t feel well or have had trouble with our attitude.

Marriage is a means of protection through love and care for each other. Whether it be physical protection,
emotional, financial, or material, a married couple is responsible with the strength and guidance of the Lord to
look out for each other. We look to the Lord for strength as “God is our refuge and strength, a very present help
in trouble” (Psalm 46:1).

Honor and Respect

Ephesians 5:22 states, “Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord.” Women might have a tendency to balk
at “submit” but in this case the meaning is not to submit as a hireling. Paul is emphasizing the husband’s
authority as well as his heavy responsibility under the Lord.

The husband is expected to love his wife “as Christ loved the church” and died for it (Ephesians 5:25). He is to
recognize her as a helpmate and also as an equal “as there is no male and female, for you are all one in Christ
Jesus” (Galatians 3:28).

Any wife who is in an ungodly or unsafe marriage should seek godly counsel and support to protect her while her
husband is offered the Gospel and help to restore their marriage. In the meantime, she should continue to “trust
in the Lord” (Proverbs 3:5) and know that “the peace of God…will guard (her) heart(s) and mind(s) in Christ
Jesus” (Philippians 4:7).

Building Up and Encouraging

In 1 Thessalonians 5:11, Paul instructs that we should “encourage one another and build one another up.” This can
be applied to marriage also as a ministry and walk of faith to each other, the family, and society.

When giving constructive criticism, give it in love, and without corrupting talk, “but only such as is good for
building up” (Ephesians 4:29). Jesus said, “First take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly
to take the speck out of your brother’s eye” (Matthew 7:5).

Giving and Sharing

Gifts are nice but giving and sharing of time out of love is the most important. Solomon said, “Two are better
than one, because they have a good reward for their toil” (Ecclesiastes 4:9). “If they fall, one will lift up his
fellow” (Ecclesiastes 4:10).

Don’t be stingy with your physical love and intimacy with your spouse. Paul said, “The husband should give to his
wife her conjugal rights, and likewise the wife to her husband” (1 Corinthians 7:3). This time should be shared
with love and respect and in consideration of each other’s health concerns.

Flexibility and Adaptability

Marriage goes through seasons. There are times when it can be stressful from raising children, work pressures,
financial pressures, illness, and many other factors. Marriage requires not allowing stress to destroy the
commitment and bond that you have.

Paul said, “Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let
your requests be made known to God” (Philippians 4:6). Walk through the stresses of life together remembering
that “suffering produces endurance” (Romans 5:3) and that “for those who love God all things work together for
good” (Romans 8:28).

Patience, Forgiveness, and Peace

Marriage requires a love that is “patient and kind” (1 Corinthians 13:4). “Rejoice in hope, be patient in
tribulation, be constant in prayer” (Romans 12:12).

Forgiveness goes along with patience. Paul said, “Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another,
as God in Christ forgave you” (Ephesians 4:32).

Jesus said, “Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you. Not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not
your hearts be troubled, neither let them be afraid” (John 14:27).

Unity and Humility

There is joy and peace in a home where the couple is united in their goals and purpose in life. Paul said,
“Complete my joy by being of the same mind, having the same love, being in full accord and of one mind”
(Philippians 2:1–2). He emphasized Christ’s example of humility (Philippians 2:7–8).

In marriage, decisions require discussion to maintain unity. Unity along with humility requires being easy-going
and willing to see the other person’s point of view. Sometimes it requires that the husband make the final
decision. If it does not work out for the best, he will take the weight of the consequences which the wife should
then help him deal with gracefully.

Gratitude and Grace

Being thankful is God’s will (1 Thessalonians 5:18). We can be content with the relationship with which God has
blessed us if our focus is on the goodness and grace of God in Christ Jesus and not on material things or
personal interests.

Marriage is not as honored in society as it once was. An attitude of gratefulness can set an example for others.
“Oh, how abundant is your goodness, which you have stored up for those who fear you” (Psalm 31:19).

Conclusion: Hope for a Lasting Marriage

The characteristics of a happy marriage are achieved through years of being shaped by the day-to-day events and
trials of life. Couples who are united in faith do not work in their own strength but call upon the grace and
strength of the Lord who supports and guides them.

If you are married but your spouse does not know the Lord, do not give up. Pray for your spouse and focus on
sacrificially applying godly principles yourself that result in the fruit of the Spirit. Grow in your devotion
to the Lord. Attend a strong, Bible-believing church. Do not harass your spouse about attending with you. The
Holy Spirit will draw him, and at the right time, he will respond.

Marriage is a perfect environment for life-long sanctification in the Lord. It has challenges that can help a
person become more Christ-like. It also has rewards that bless children, grandchildren, the church, and society.

There is hope to achieve a happy marriage. Looking back I must say that I am more than “reasonably happy” and
satisfied with our marriage. “May the God of endurance and encouragement grant you to live in such harmony with
one another, in accord with Christ Jesus” (Romans 15:5).