My husband proposed to me in 1997 when I was a senior in college and he had just recently graduated. One evening, my roommate and I headed out for coffee, but she said she needed to run a quick errand first. As we drove down a dark road, the headlights of her car revealed a hooded figure standing off to the side, holding a cardboard sign. Horrified, I felt the car slowing down and my roommate turning towards this man as if we were going to stop to pick him up. But, as we got closer, I was able to read the words on the sign which said, “Wifeless; will work for marriage!” The man pulled his hood back to reveal my boyfriend Robb and I immediately knew what was happening. I also knew exactly what I was getting into with his sense of humor.
Fast forward and we have now been married for over 27 years and have raised two children into adulthood. And yes, Robb has worked for our marriage, as have I. Because you will never get this far without effort and sacrifice. But, as Charles Spurgeon said, “When husbands and wives are well yoked, how light their load becomes.” Being “well yoked” has allowed us to weather the storms of life together and now that we have reached this point of our marriage, we are able to look back and examine the steps we took and the choices we made that helped us to remain close in every stage.
But, before I get into my suggestions for each stage, I’d like to lay the foundation with some timeless truths that are essential in every season of marriage.
Timeless Truths for Every Season of Marriage
My husband is my absolute best friend. While I am blessed to have incredible female friendships, none of them can compare to the friendship I have with Robb and the sacredness of our relationship. Because of this, I am very protective of him and his reputation. I’m careful about how I speak about him to others and what information I share. This is one of the most important ways that I can show respect for my husband and for our marriage.
1 Peter 3:1–2 — “Likewise, wives, be subject to your own husbands, so that even if some do not obey the word, they may be won without a word by the conduct of their wives, when they see your respectful and pure conduct.”
We must always manage our expectations for our marriages. Spend just a few minutes on social media and you’ll quickly begin to compare your marriage and home life with those you see online. This isn’t to say that we shouldn’t have any expectations at all, just that they should be reasonable and not measured by an arbitrary standard set by the world. Our spouses will never meet all our needs because that is something only the Lord can do.
Philippians 4:19 — “And my God will supply every need of yours according to his riches in glory in Christ Jesus.”
We should be praying for each other daily. The further along you get in your marriage and the more you have vying for your attention (jobs, children, homes, ministry) the easier it is to simply get into survival mode and forget to pray for your spouse. A marriage where each person is praying for the other is far better equipped to handle all the challenges you will face.
Ephesians 1:17 — “I keep asking that the God of our Lord Jesus Christ, the glorious Father, may give you the Spirit of wisdom and revelation, so that you may know him better.”
Being quick to forgive is vital to the health of a marriage. It is evidence of our sanctification journey if we can offer grace and forgiveness in a timely manner. When we mortify our own selfishness and seek the good of our marriage above the desire to be “right”, we’ll find that it leads to far more peace. Now, this isn’t about not recognizing and addressing sinful behavior. Rather, it’s a call to quickly resolve those conflicts that are guaranteed to arise in any marriage and a desire for reconciliation.
Ephesians 4:31–32 — “Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.”
Be willing to seek wisdom and Godly counsel from trusted people. Humbly acknowledging that we don’t have all of the answers and sometimes need help is a sign of maturity. Your marriage will benefit from the experience of those who have gone before you and the insight from solid pastors and mentors who genuinely care about the success and well-being of your marriage.
Proverbs 11:14 — “Where there is no guidance, a people falls, but in an abundance of counselors there is safety.”
The timeless truths never change no matter the stage of your marriage but I’ve also curated a list of a few things that are very specific to each season and will help you to stay close during those years.
The Baby and Toddler Years
- Remember that having children does not solve your problems, it only magnifies them. Parenting done right will be a sanctification experience. Not only will it humble and mature you as an individual but as a couple too.
- Now is the time to build on the foundation of being ONE as a couple even though you are physically more than one as a family. Your marriage is the most important element of the family dynamic, and your children will observe this from a very early age.
- Lower your expectations for what can be accomplished in this stage. The immediate demands of very young children will require you to reprioritize and focus on smaller goals.
- Never, ever underestimate the impact that sleep deprivation has on you individually and as a couple. Try not to make any major decisions when you are the most exhausted and give each other grace for not always being mentally astute.
- Redefine what romance looks like. Flowers and candy are nice but so is offering to take care of the kids while your spouse takes a nap. Creative date nights at home become essential for reconnecting when you can’t easily leave the house.
The Elementary Years
- Resist the temptation to over-commit your family and crowd your schedules. Church is more important than sports and other activities. Your marriage is more important than sports and other activities and your family well-being is more important than sports and other activities.
- Well rested children AND adults make for a more harmonious home environment, so bedtimes are critical. When children are put to bed first it provides time for you to connect as a couple. This benefits everyone.
- Find a good babysitter and make dates a priority. Whether it’s an evening out, going on a hike or starting a new hobby, having fun together is essential to staying close at this stage.
- Believe it or not, having dinner together as a family will actually help you to stay close as a couple. Sharing a meal around a table is one of the most essential components of a healthy and peaceful home and you will feel more unified in your marriage as a result.
- Set aside time for a weekly check-in without the kids to go over schedules, upcoming events and any issues that need to be addressed. Being on the same page about what is happening in your personal and family lives will help you to stay close and prevent arguments over lack of communication.
The Middle School and Teen Years
- The kids will be grown and flown soon so now is a crucial time to assess your closeness as a couple. Create a bucket list of activities you want to do together, talk about what you want your life to look like when the kids are gone and make sure that you are on the same page about the future.
- Enjoy the expanding freedom you now have. You no longer must find childcare so get out and have fun together. The more you can connect in this stage the easier it will be to adjust when the nest is empty.
- Foster friendships with couples who are in the same stage of life as they will provide much needed support and encouragement now and in the years ahead. As you enter the “sandwich” season of life (launching children while caring for aging parents), your friendships become even more vital.
- Present a united front to your kids when it comes to discipline and boundaries. Nothing will sabotage your closeness as a couple, quite like undermining each other’s parenting. This is particularly challenging when hormones are running rampant and the consequences of choices are bigger than ever but that makes it even more important.
- Encourage each other to have a healthy lifestyle. You aren’t getting any younger and this is the stage when that truth really hits home. Whether it’s joining a gym or simply going on walks, making exercise and nutrition a priority in your marriage is a tangible reminder that you want each other around for as long as possible.
The College and Empty Nester Years
- Now is the time to check in with each other about any personal or career goals you’d like to accomplish before you reach a certain age. For men in particular, these will likely be the last years of full-time employment so having conversations about the impact of that is critical. This is especially true as you shift into retirement and determine how that time will be spent.
- If you haven’t already done so, find an area of ministry where you can serve together. You are now apart of the older generation so don’t forget to invest in the generations behind you. Resist the temptation to spend these years only focused on your own interests and hobbies. There is no age limit when it comes to faithfully serving the Lord and others.
- Continue to prioritize routines and structure even while enjoying the freedom you now have in your schedules.
- Even with no children in the home, having dinner together is vital for closeness and connection in your marriage. Looking each other in the eye, asking good questions and being intentional about that time together is critical to success in this stage.
- In this stage you’ll be tempted to play the “woulda shoulda coulda” game and relitigate your past choices. While we should always be willing to acknowledge mistakes, it’s important to stay focused on the present and intentional about moving forward.
No matter the stage of life, we must remember that our marriages are an earthly representation of Christ and His bride, the Church.
Ephesians 5:31–33 — 31 “Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.” 32 This mystery is profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church. 33 However, let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband.”
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