When we were dating and then engaged, my husband and I had no significant disagreements or arguments. But, when we were newlyweds and still getting used to living together, we were shocked to discover that marital bliss can easily be thwarted by something as simple as sharing a small bathroom. I don’t remember the details that led to one particular conflict, but it got to the point where I blurted out, “Sometimes I just really don’t like you!” To which my husband replied, “Well, sometimes I just really don’t like YOU!” In that moment I felt as though a glass of cold water had been thrown in my face. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. After all, it was perfectly acceptable for me to not like him from time to time but he was supposed to always like me, right? Right? I learned some very important lessons that day. First, if you can have two sinks in your bathroom you will avoid a lot of problems. Second, humility is essential to a healthy marriage. Philippians 2:3-4 tells us to, “Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others.” And repeatedly throughout the book of Proverbs we are admonished to be humble because it’s a reflection of how we apply the wisdom from the Lord. Proverbs 15:33, “The fear of the Lord teaches a man wisdom, and humility comes before honor.”

Twenty-six years later, we are now in the stage where we are advising our own children about dating and marriage, particularly what qualities they should be looking for in a spouse. While the drumbeat of culture urges them to be consumed with their own self-interests, we know that the most happy and successful relationships are those that are built on self-sacrifice. We’ve witnessed marriages, friendships, businesses and even Christian institutions crumble because of a lack of humility which is why it is the one quality that stands out among the rest as an indication of the trajectory of your life. Now, since I know there will be people reading this who will be eager to inform me that ‘akshually’ the most important quality is that a person loves the Lord, let me just tell you that this should go without saying. When I pray for the future spouses of my children, I pray first and foremost that they love and serve the Lord and then love and serve each other. But, when we are talking about character traits, humility is the one that will reveal the most about a person’s heart.

If there was a flow chart of qualities that are vital for human flourishing according to God’s Word, humility would be at the top with most others stemming from it. A humble person is more likely to get along well with others, be a critical thinker, have a good sense of humor, receive input and make changes when necessary. They don’t assume that they are the smartest person in the room even if they are ‘credentialed’. A humble person asks for advice and recognizes that they don’t have all the answers. They can laugh at themselves and make others feel comfortable in their presence.

Proverbs 11:1-2, “A false balance is an abomination to the Lord, but a just weight is his delight. When pride comes, then comes disgrace, but with the humble is wisdom.”

When my husband and I first began dating, I recognized pretty quickly that he was very different from the other guys at our Christian university. He was confident without being cocky, funny without being obnoxious, hard-working without being too intense. He loved Jesus but didn’t wear a WWJD bracelet and he had just enough mischief in him to make things fun but not dangerous. At the age of 20, I lacked the maturity to discern what it was that was at the core of this young man that so attracted me to him but now I know that it was his humility. This quality has only continued to deepen as we’ve gotten older, and it’s made him the incredible leader of our household that he is today. He’s also still the most hilarious person I know and when I compliment him on these wonderful traits he will reply, “If there were a prize for humility, I would definitely win!”

It may seem like humility is something you can only recognize when the situation arises to put it into practice, but I believe that there are other character traits that offer us clues that someone has this attribute.  And, like humility, these character traits are given to us in Scripture as examples of the fruit that should be produced from a life lived in accordance with God’s will.

1. They are warm: Recently my teenage daughter was listing off all of the women in her life who make her feel the most comfortable when she is around them. It’s not too surprising that they are also the people with whom I am the closest. We talked about what it is that made her feel ‘seen’ by them and I pointed out that every single one of these women is warm. Now I’m not talking about their temperature but rather their temperament. They may not be gregarious or even outgoing necessarily but they all possess the ability to make others feel genuinely cared for and included. A humble person doesn’t need to be the center of attention, and they will naturally extend kindness, grace and warmth to those around them. Colossians 3:12, “Put on then, as God’s chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience.”
2. They ask questions: Critical thinking skills are severely lacking in our culture today which makes curiosity an underrated but vital quality to look for in a spouse. Younger generations may not have to go to the library and look things up in the Encyclopedia but having answers at their fingertips hasn’t necessarily made them smarter. A humble person seeks out the truth and knows that it’s through asking good questions, particularly when it comes to God’s Word, that we get there. Romans 12:2, “Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect.”
3. They can receive advice: Asking for advice is an acknowledgment of the fact that we don’t always know what to do in every situation but that there may be someone else who does. It’s with humility that we approach trustworthy people in our lives to seek out their wisdom and expertise. We may not always agree with or even act on the advice given, but a humble spirit is open to input and doesn’t find it to be threatening in any way. Proverbs 16:16 “How much better to get wisdom than gold! To get understanding is to be chosen rather than silver.”
4. They can laugh at themselves: The phrase “You can dish it out but you can’t take it” isn’t only about being able to receive criticism. If someone is more than happy to tease and laugh at others but is unable to receive any good-natured ribbing directed at them, then that is a definite red flag. Humility in a relationship will inevitably lead to humor and a sense of humor (especially towards yourself) is vital if you want to thrive through the day in day out challenges of marriage. Proverbs 17:22, “A joyful heart is good medicine, but a crushed spirit dries up the bones.”
5. They have a servant’s heart: If someone is quick to offer help and does so without grumbling then you can bet that they are humble. When a task isn’t seen as beneath them and they are willing to do even those things that aren’t necessarily in their ‘wheelhouse’, it indicates a regard for others. When each spouse in a marriage is thinking of the other and how they can honor and serve them, then they both end up having their needs met. Galatians 6:2, “Bear one another’s burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ.” Mark 9:35, “And he sat down and called the twelve. And he said to them, “If anyone would be first, he must be last of all and servant of all.”

Charles Spurgeon wrote that, “Every Christian has a choice between being humble and being humbled.” The reality is that we are guaranteed to face difficulties in this life. And we can either humbly accept them as part of God’s sovereignty or we can play the part of the perpetual victim which will inevitably lead to being humbled which is a much more painful process. As followers of Christ, we know that a heart of humility is one that recognizes our sin and need for a Savior. When we mortify (put to death with the help of the grace of God and the indwelling presence of the Holy Spirit) our pride and put ourselves in the proper relation to the Creator of the universe, because of Christ, we find that we long to know Him more through His revealed Word. And, as we mature in faith, that maturity will bear fruit that will be visible to those around us (Galatians 5:22-23). Romans 12:3, “For by the grace given to me I say to everyone among you not to think of himself more highly than he ought to think, but to think with sober judgment, each according to the measure of faith that God has assigned.”