Desiring a Greater Desire

Desiring a Greater Desire

I find myself not infrequently wanting what others have. At times the desire is nothing more than wishful thinking. But then there are seasons where a craving, insatiable in character, takes over. It gets worse, though. This obsessiveness can often lead to envy where I carry a level of disdain towards those who have what I want. It gets worse, though. While isolated, this disdain can lead to what in German is called “schadenfreude”. The noun translates into one’s joy (freude) over another’s misfortune (schaden). While not a perfect description of what I feel, I do gain a sense of justice when others have but then lose what I want.

Yes, my struggle is as concerning as it sounds. While I’ll refrain from identifying what the objects of my desire are, I will share what they aren’t to help stave off a degree of speculation. I don’t covet material possessions or other women, two potentially tantalizing aims from which the Lord has graciously spared me. Nonetheless, that which is in front of me is anything but tame. Such sin demands that I confront Proverbs 14:30: “A tranquil heart gives life to the flesh, but envy makes the bones rot” (ESV). My bones are showing signs of rot.   

It’s clear I have a desire issue. And it’s becoming clearer as to why: I possess far too little of it. My need for delight is too weak, not too strong. For if my aims were more splendid and lavish in nature, I wouldn’t be pursuing—considering the available treasures—such trivial aims. I am too easily pleased, too easily satisfied. I was made for something so much more yet, paraphrasing C. S. Lewis’s famous analogy, I’m satisfied making mud pies in the street ditch while a grand sea a few blocks away goes unnoticed.[i]

One of the verses I clung to when I was first exposed to Scripture was Psalm 37:4: “Delight yourself in the Lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart” (ESV). It’s a remarkable passage. It tells me that God not only permits delight but commands it. That’s amazing. The Creator wants me to be happy. Happy! And it tells me where I should find it: in Him. That’s even more amazing given who He is. “Yours, O Lord, is the greatness and the power and the glory and the victory and the majesty, for all that is in the heavens and in the earth is yours. Yours is the kingdom, O Lord, and you are exalted as head above all” (1 Chronicles 29:11, ESV). The Lord is a sea of majestic glory. The combination of these two realities should astound. The one who owns and superintends both the heavens and the earth desires that I desire Him. Jesus wants me to want Him so that I would experience the immeasurable blessings that abiding in Him produce.  

These are beautiful, astonishing truths. Yet, I’m not always astonished. I’m not always amazed. Playing in the mud too often carries the greater appeal. This episodic indifference is confounding. How’s it possible for someone who loves the Lord, which I do, to read a verse like the one immediately above and not have his affections more consistently overflow with wonder and adoration? Perhaps I’m blind to areas of unrepentant sin, in addition to the envy from which I’m seeking to turn. Perhaps I need to be in God’s word more to stoke the flame of passion. I don’t know.      

While much eludes me, I do know one thing. The dullness I feel towards Jesus will not cause Him to reciprocate and treat me as I deserve. No, He will continue to bestow unmerited favor upon me. “The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases;his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness” (Lamentations 3:22-23, ESV). He will continue to carry compassion towards me. “For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but one who in every respect has been tempted as we are, yet without sin” (Hebrews 4:15, ESV). He will never not be there. “It is the Lord who goes before you. He will be with you; he will not leave you or forsake you. Do not fear or be dismayed” (Deuteronomy 31:8, ESV) He will complete in me what He started. “And I am sure of this, that he who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ” (Philippians 1:6, ESV). And perhaps most importantly, He will ensure that this confusion of mine will serve my eternal good. “And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose” (Romans 8:28, ESV).

May this great “known” sustain me until the “unknowns” no longer are—until my greatest desire is more unfailingly Yahweh himself, the God of Psalm 16:11: “You make known to me the path of life; in your presence there is fullness of joy; at your right hand are pleasures forevermore” (ESV).

[i] C. S. Lewis, The Weight of Glory. (HarperOne, 2001).