Grief is a deeply personal emotion. Grief is a deeply personal state of being. How can we possibly help anyone else through this difficult, oh-so-personal experience?

When an ambulance rushes past me, I can’t help but think, “Someone out there is having the worst day of their lives.” I try to remember to breathe a prayer for them—whoever they are. The Lord knows.

Yet, it’s not just that person who’s having a bad day—it’s also their sphere of friends and family, as well. Phone calls are made to relay the news. A mad dash to the hospital follows. They’re each full of concern for this one they love.

Hearts burst with emotion during this time. Hearts full of hope? Of fear? Of panic?

Sometimes these events have a happy ending. The loved one survives. They get better. But sometimes the result isn’t so happy and a life ends.

Have you ever been there? Have you ever lost someone who was such a crucial part of your life that they leave an enormous void? If they were a believer, you’re not sad for them. They have attained their reward. But what about you? As Christians, our grief is really about feeling the pain of loss within ourselves. It’s really about what it means for us. The death of this loved one leaves us unbelievably sad and alone—even in the midst of a crowd.

Someone described it like this: “It’s like watching the world spin as it always has except you are in a dream from which you cannot awaken and the hole in your heart is gigantic. But the world keeps spinning.”

After my brother died, I felt this, too. I went to the grocery store and saw everyone moving around as usual. It was astonishing to see. My life felt shattered but the rest of the world kept spinning as if nothing had happened.

What can we do for the grieving?

It seems impossible to think that something we do could help another person through this intense pain of grief. Yet, I believe the word of God has answers for this.

However, just as we can help someone through grief, we can also hurt them. Therefore, let’s discuss ways we can avoid the things that hurt and focus on the things that help.

Don’t do this.

• When someone is freshly grieving, that’s not the time to bring up theological truths such as, “Well, it was God’s will,” or “Well, you just have to trust God.” They may come across as thoughtless platitudes and are not helpful. Those things can be said later on, perhaps, but not when the wound of grief is raw and bleeding.
• Don’t smother them. People need time to be alone to process their new existence without their loved one. Give them space to do that.
• Don’t squelch their grief. Well-meaning friends/family may be too quick to try to move them past their grief into a semblance of normalcy. This is not helpful.
• Don’t force them to eat. Yes, people will probably bring food, for which the grieving person is thankful. But some people can’t eat when they’re suffering through loss. You might make them a small plate of food and encourage them to eat a few bites. But if they decline, let it go. They’ll eat when they get hungry.
• Don’t call their faith into question. Some people have more sympathy for those who lose a pet than those who lose a person they love. Grief is a normal expression of sorrow. Strong, mature Christians still feel strong, intense emotions at this time. Even Jesus wept at His friend’s tomb. (John 11:35) It doesn’t mean you have a weak faith. It means you’re human. Some people are uncomfortable being around those who are grieving, so they try to move them quickly past it. Don’t be that person.
• Don’t talk about your own personal losses. This is not about you.
• Don’t act like nothing’s happened. Something significant has occurred.
• Don’t throw your hands up and do nothing. There are always things you can say or do to help.

Do this.

• Acknowledge their pain and loss. You can do this verbally, or by holding their hand, or with a hug, an expression, a note, flowers, a card, or a pat—anything you can think of to say, “I care for you. I’m sorry you’re hurting.”
• Instead of saying, “Call me if you need anything,” ask, “What can I do to help?” People usually won’t call, even if they need something, so be attuned to what they may need and just do it. Does the grass need mowing? The front porch swept off? Does the kitchen need cleaning? The bathroom tidying up? Do they need food they can easily warm up when they feel like eating? Do they need childcare long enough to do something personal—cry, lunch with their bestie, take a long bath, go for a walk? If you see something that needs to be done, do it. Call and say, “I’m going to the store to pick up some things for you. What do you need?”
• It’s absolutely appropriate to read Scripture to someone who is hurting. Without being “preachy,” find passages that offer hope or validation to a bruised heart. Christians take comfort in God’s promises, in His words, in His wisdom.
• Be patient with them. People grieve differently. Some take a long time to get over such a loss. Others resume their lives quickly. Some grieve outwardly. Others keep everything in and pretend they’re “fine.” Just be there for them and don’t impose your own grieving style upon them. Let them find their own way through the pain.
• When they need to talk things through, be there for them and keep the things they tell you in confidence. If they wanted a public forum, they’d post their feelings on Facebook. So just sit and listen. Again, this is not the time to talk about yourself unless they specifically ask you.
• Find a way to surround them with nature. Nature has a soothing effect on a hurting soul. Take them for a walk through the park or zoo, or to sit on a rock next to the river or lake. Sit with them on a porch to enjoy the warmth of the sun or the freshness of the breeze. Don’t feel you have to fill every moment with words. Just sit.
• Watch them for signs of dysfunctional grieving—that is, having thoughts of not wanting to live anymore, not taking care of their basic needs (hygiene, nutrition), not sleeping or sleeping all the time, or the inability to engage in life anymore. Have they stopped coming to church? Have they dropped out of social gatherings? Are they refusing visits and isolating themselves? These could be signs that some outside intervention may be necessary.
• Prayer voices our dependence on our Savior. It’s extremely comforting. But before launching into a long prayer, ask, “May I pray for you right now?” Let them decide if it’s an appropriate time or not. Then keep your prayers short and sweet. Grieving people sometimes find it difficult to focus on long, flowery prose.
• Don’t forget to pray for in your own prayer time, remember to pray for the hurting. Ask God to comfort them in His own way. This is actually the most proactive, effective activity you can accomplish for someone who’s grieving.

These tips are by no means exhaustive. But I believe they will serve to guide you to do what Christ commanded us to do—to love one another, to serve one another, and to bear one another’s burdens.  Remember that when we serve others in this way, we are serving Christ, as well. Matthew 25:37-40 says:

“Then the righteous will answer him,

‘Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you,

or thirsty and give you something to drink?

When did we see you a stranger and invite you in,

or needing clothes and clothe you?

When did we see you sick or in prison and go to visit you?’

The King will reply, ‘Truly I tell you,

whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers and sisters of mine,

you did for me,’”