In this article, I want to set before you the subject of helping your hurting spouse through grief. At some point in your life, you will be thrown into a season of grief at an unexpected hour. Though each person may grieve differently, I hope to set before you four principles to guide you in caring for your spouse through grief. Weep. Listen. Repent.

Weep with your spouse.

The shortest verse in the bible is found in John 11:35: “Jesus wept.” If our Savior, in His humanity, wept, we can weep too at the sight of death. Death is unnatural. It is not a process of life, as some one would say. It is not life. It is death. There is an unnatural separation between body and soul. We should grieve at the sight of death. We should weep. Beloved, in your grief, weep with your spouse. Wrap your arms around them and cry at the bitter cup you are both facing. You are not alone. You have a Savior who wept. Weeping is not a lack of faith in God’s character or providence. Commenting on this, Charles Haddon Spurgeon once said:

“If in my grief I fled to Jesus, and there was about him a secret inability to sympathize, an incapacity to admit me to his heart; pure as crystal though that barrier might be, I should dash myself against it, and die in despair. A Jesus who never wept could never wipe away my tears. That were a grief I could not bear, if he could not have fellowship with me, and could not understand my woe. Beloved, think how bravely our Lord endured: herein is confidence. Tears did not drown the Saviour’s hope in God. He lived. He triumphed notwithstanding all his sorrow; and because he lives, we shall live also.”[1]

Listen to your spouse.

An added sorrow on the path of grief is to feel like your spouse does not care how you are doing in your grief. Some are left to grieve alone. Often, the husband forgets to ask his wife how she is doing. Often, the wife feels like her husband is unmoved or unaffected by the grief that they have entered. Each day, be mindful to ask your wife how you can encourage them in their grief. Ask them what they feel within their heart and mind. Talk about their fears. Their disappointments. In sum, talk about the grief and sadness that is present. Do not let it be the elephant in the room. There is healing in the process of being open and transparent with your spouse. Let them know when a day is hard. Let them know what triggers your grief. You are both partners in this grief journey. Seek to point your spouse daily to the Lord Jesus Christ. He alone can only truly carry your spouse’s burdens. You are not their savior. But He is their Savior. As you listen and talk with your spouse, may the pulse beat of your conversation be the Savior, who was known as the “man of sorrows, and acquainted with grief” (Isaiah 53).

Listen to the words of Mrs. Spurgeon after the death of her husband. In this statement, you can get a beautiful picture of a family that was built on Christ the solid Rock. Susie writes:

“I can see two pilgrims treading this highway of life together, hand in hand—heart linked to heart. True, they have had rivers to ford, and mountains to cross, and fierce enemies to fight, and many dangers to go through; but their Guide was watchful, their Deliverer unfailing, and of them it might truly be said, “In all their suffering he also suffered, and he personally rescued them. In his love and mercy he redeemed them. He lifted them up and carried them through all the years.”[2]      

As you listen to your spouse, be sure to remind them of their ever-present and ever-watchful Guide.

Repent to your spouse.

Finally, on the grief journey you will need a heart of repentance. There will be many times when you will have to ask your spouse to forgive you. In your grief, your sinful flesh will creep into your conversations. You will say something hurtful. You will be tempted to put yourself above your spouse. It is essential to seek repentance when you do fail to care for your spouse. As you “put off” a cold and bitter heart, you need to “put on” something. To repent is to turn from sin and turn to Jesus Christ. Beloved, in your grief, you must daily apply the gospel of Jesus Christ to your soul. This will prepare in you’re a tender and humble heart that is able and willing to walk with your spouse through grief. Daily, I meditate on Isaiah 53:6 and 2 Corinthians 5:21. I daily preaching the doctrine of justification to my own soul. By grace alone, through faith alone, in Christ alone, my sins have been imputed to Christ, as if it were His own, and His righteousness has been imputed to me, as if it were mine. That is amazing!

May God be with you and your spouse as you walk through the difficult valley of grief. Remember your sympathizing Savior who will one Day wipe away all your tears! In the meantime, … Weep. Listen. Repent.

References

[1] Charles Haddon Spurgeon, “Jesus Wept: John 11:35,” MTPS, vol. 35.

[2] https://www.jaquellecrowe.com/blog//2015/10/mrs-spurgeon-after-her-husbands-death.html