Pornography and the Call to Love Your Wife

By Drew Von NeidaPornography and marriage cannot flourish together. Pornography contradicts a husband’s covenant promises and wounds the wife he is called to cherish. Scripture calls husbands to turn from lust, love their wives faithfully, and find grace for repentance and change in Jesus Christ.In 2019, Matter of Theology was invited to attend the Cruciform Conference and record a live podcast during the event. Chris Huff, my friend and co-host at Matter of Theology, was among the speakers. The conference also brought us alongside men who would become friends, including Brett Baggett, Andrew Rappaport, Brandon Scalf, Jeffrey Johnson, and Justin Peters.Over the years, I have attended conferences and heard sermons that have greatly encouraged me in the faith. Yet as time passes, much of what was said begins to fade from memory. We may remember the people we met or the general subject of a message, but the particular words are often forgotten. Every so often, however, someone says something that stays with you. It follows you home, settles into your thoughts, and continues to trouble your conscience long after the occasion has passed.During one of Justin Peters’s sessions, he made a statement that I remember this way: “Nothing says, ‘I hate my wife,’ more than when a man looks at pornography.”I remember being struck by the severity of that statement. Hate is not a word we ordinarily associate with a husband who professes to love his wife. Yet the more I have considered those words in light of Scripture, the more I have come to appreciate their weight. They force us to consider something about pornography that we often overlook, particularly when we speak of it as though it were a private struggle affecting only the man who indulges in it.Now, I do not believe Justin was suggesting that every man who has fallen into pornography consciously despises his wife. A husband may genuinely love his wife and still sin grievously against her. We know from our own lives how often our conduct contradicts what we profess to believe. Nevertheless, our actions reveal something about the affections of our hearts. A husband may assure his wife of his love, speak tenderly to her, and fulfill many of his responsibilities, while secretly cultivating desires that stand in direct opposition to the promises he made before God.That is what makes Justin’s statement so searching. It forces us to consider not simply what pornography does to the man who watches it, but what his indulgence says about the woman he has promised to love.

What Our Vows Said

When a man stands before God and takes a woman to be his wife, he is doing far more than expressing his affection for her. He is entering into a covenant. He is promising to love, honor, cherish, and remain faithful to one woman for the remainder of his life. His vows are not dependent upon the preservation of youthful beauty, the absence of hardship, or his wife’s ability to satisfy every desire he may possess. He is promising himself to her, forsaking all others.There is something wonderfully beautiful about that kind of commitment. In a world that continually encourages us to pursue whatever pleases us in the moment, marriage calls a man to give himself willingly and joyfully to one woman. He is not promising that he will never notice the beauty of another person or that temptation will never approach him. He is promising that, by God’s grace, he will not give his heart or his body to another.Pornography contradicts that promise. A husband who deliberately seeks sexual pleasure through the images of other women is giving his desires to women outside his marriage. He may comfort his conscience by reminding himself that he has never physically touched another woman, but faithfulness involves more than keeping his body from an adulterous encounter.In 1 Corinthians 7:4, Paul teaches that a husband and wife have a mutual claim upon one another’s bodies. Neither enters marriage with the freedom to pursue sexual gratification as though the other did not exist. Their intimacy belongs within the covenant they have made together, and it is to be marked by love, mutual consideration, and faithfulness.Think about what that means for the ordinary Christian husband. When he took his wife’s hand and spoke his vows, he was not promising faithfulness only when she was watching. He was promising to be faithful when she was absent, when temptation presented itself, and when nobody but God could see what he was doing. Those vows matter just as much in the privacy of his home as they did on the day he stood before witnesses and made them.

Pornography and Marriage: More Than a Private Problem

When Christians discuss pornography, we often focus upon its destructive effects on the person viewing it. We speak about the way it corrupts the imagination, strengthens sinful appetites, encourages secrecy, and weakens spiritual affections. These are serious concerns, and they deserve our attention. But there is another person whose suffering can be overlooked in these discussions. What happens to the wife who discovers that her husband has been secretly indulging in pornography?For some wives, the discovery brings an immediate sense of inadequacy. They begin questioning their appearance, their attractiveness, and whether their husbands still desire them. A woman who had previously given little thought to the changes brought about by age, pregnancy, or childbirth may suddenly find herself examining those changes with painful scrutiny. She may wonder whether her husband compares her to the women he has been viewing or whether he wishes she looked like someone else.Other wives may experience something even deeper than insecurity about their appearance. The greater wound may be the realization that the man who promised to be faithful has cultivated a secret life from which they were excluded. They believed his affections were being guarded, that his eyes were not continually searching for other women, and that the vows spoken before God continued to govern his conduct when nobody else was present. Discovering otherwise can shake their confidence in the man beside whom they have built their lives.Not every wife will respond in precisely the same way. Some may experience anger, others grief, and still others a mixture of confusion, humiliation, and betrayal. We should be careful not to prescribe how a wounded wife ought to feel. What we must recognize is that a husband’s secret sexual sin can inflict real harm upon the woman he has been commanded to cherish.A husband may insist that his pornography had nothing to do with his wife. He may even believe that explanation. But his intentions do not erase the consequences of his actions. Nor should he expect his wife to dismiss her pain simply because he never intended for her to discover what he was doing.And let us be clear about something else. A husband’s pornography is not evidence that his wife has failed to be sufficiently beautiful, affectionate, or sexually available. His sin cannot be laid at her feet. Scripture does not permit a man to blame his disobedience upon the shortcomings of another person. Whatever difficulties may exist within the marriage, he remains responsible before God for what he chooses to do with his eyes, his imagination, and his desires.The wife who has been wounded by this sin does not need to be told that she must somehow become more attractive to keep her husband’s attention. She needs a husband who recognizes the seriousness of what he has done, takes responsibility for it, and seeks by God’s grace to become a man whose faithfulness can be trusted.

Christ Calls It Adultery of the Heart

One of the ways men attempt to lessen the seriousness of pornography is by drawing a distinction between what happens in the imagination and what happens physically. They reason that because they have not committed physical adultery, their conduct cannot be considered a serious violation of marital faithfulness.But our Lord does not allow us to define purity according to the boundaries we find most comfortable. In Matthew 5:27–28, Jesus declares, “You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall not commit adultery.’ But I say to you that everyone who looks at a woman with lustful intent has already committed adultery with her in his heart.”Christ takes us beyond the outward act and exposes the desires from which sinful actions proceed. He teaches that the seventh commandment concerns more than what a man does with his body. It reaches into the affections and intentions of his heart.We should certainly recognize that lust and physical adultery are not identical in every respect. Their outward consequences can be very different, and Scripture does not require us to treat every sexual sin as though it carries precisely the same earthly consequences. Nevertheless, the distinction does not make lust innocent. The Lord Jesus identifies the deliberate cultivation of unlawful sexual desire as a violation of the purity God requires.We are remarkably skilled at making excuses for the sins we wish to keep. We may condemn adultery while quietly entertaining fantasies about women who are not our wives. We may speak strongly against sexual immorality while allowing our eyes to linger upon images designed to awaken lust. We may even convince ourselves that because something happens behind a screen, it somehow carries less moral significance.Yet a man may conceal his habits from his wife, his pastor, and his closest friends, but he cannot conceal them from God. The same Christ who calls us to purity also knows the thoughts we entertain when nobody else is present. And if we truly desire to honor Him, we must be concerned with more than whether our sins can be discovered. We must care about what is taking place within our hearts.

Christ Loved His Bride Differently

Perhaps the most searching passage for a husband struggling with pornography is not found in a direct prohibition against sexual immorality, but in the command Paul gives concerning marriage. In Ephesians 5:25, he writes, “Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her.”We have heard this verse so often that we may fail to appreciate the weight of what is being commanded. Paul does not tell husbands to love their wives according to the standards of the surrounding culture. He does not direct us to measure our love by the strength of our feelings or by how successfully our wives meet our expectations. He points us to Christ, who loved His church and willingly gave Himself for her.Consider what that means. The Son of God came into the world to redeem His bride. He bore her sins, endured the judgment she deserved, and gave Himself upon the cross to secure her salvation. His love was not governed by what He could receive from His bride, but by what He willingly gave for her good.No earthly husband can reproduce the redeeming work of Christ, nor is he called to do so. But the pattern of Christ’s love is unmistakable. A Christian husband is called to lay aside selfishness, seek his wife’s good, and love her with a faithfulness that does not disappear when sacrifice becomes necessary.Pornography moves in the opposite direction. It encourages a man to seek sexual pleasure without the responsibilities of love. It trains him to view women according to what they can provide for his gratification rather than as human beings made in the image of God. It turns his attention away from the woman he has promised to cherish and teaches him to pursue pleasure apart from the covenant God has established.This is why the Christian husband ought to desire something better than simply discovering how close he can come to sin without crossing some imagined boundary. He should want his affections to be shaped by the love of Christ, so that faithfulness becomes more than an obligation he reluctantly fulfills.A husband who understands something of Christ’s love will increasingly ask how he may honor his wife, protect their marriage, and cultivate a heart that delights in what God has given him. He will begin to see that resisting lust is part of learning to love as Christ has commanded.

Your Wife Was Never Supposed to Compete

There is something particularly deceptive about pornography because it offers the appearance of intimacy without requiring the sacrifices that genuine love demands. The woman on the screen never asks the viewer to be patient with her. She never needs him to listen when she is hurting, sit beside her through sickness, or bear the ordinary burdens of life with her. He seeks gratification without accepting the responsibilities of faithful, sacrificial love.But marriage is not lived through a screen. Your wife is a real woman, with real burdens, fears, weaknesses, and needs. There will be evenings when she is exhausted, seasons when she is discouraged, and moments when loving her requires you to set aside what you would rather be doing. She needs a husband who will listen, show tenderness, exercise patience, and remain beside her when life becomes difficult.We must also remember that she is not simply someone who exists to meet her husband’s needs. She is a fellow image-bearer, and if she belongs to Christ, she is also his sister in the Lord. She is worthy of dignity and honor, not because she has earned them by meeting every expectation, but because God has made her and commanded her husband to love her.The same truth applies to the women depicted in pornography. They are not objects placed in the world for a man’s consumption. They are human beings with souls, created in the image of God. Whatever circumstances have brought them before the camera, their dignity is not erased. A Christian man ought to grieve over an industry that turns human beings into objects of lust rather than participating in it for his own pleasure.As the years pass, both husband and wife will change. The bodies that stood together on their wedding day will bear the marks of time. There may be wrinkles, gray hair, scars, illness, and weakness. Children may come, responsibilities may increase, and the ordinary difficulties of life will test the affection that once seemed so effortless.Yet there is a beauty about an aging husband looking upon the aging wife of his youth and finding his heart increasingly bound to her, not because time has spared them, but because grace has carried them together through time. He knows her in ways no stranger ever could. He remembers the joys they have shared, the sorrows they have endured, and the countless ordinary days through which the Lord has preserved them.Such love cannot be replaced by the passing excitement of another image. It is cultivated through years of faithfulness, patience, forgiveness, and shared dependence upon God. The husband who understands this will not regard his wife’s changing appearance as a reason to seek pleasure elsewhere. He will recognize that the woman growing older beside him is the same woman to whom he gladly promised his life.Pornography may offer the excitement of something new, but it cannot provide the deep companionship of a marriage in which two people have learned, through many years, to love one another faithfully.

Faithfulness That Expresses Love

If a husband’s sinful conduct can contradict his profession of love, then his faithfulness can also give expression to that love. There are countless ordinary moments in which a man demonstrates that his vows remain precious to him. He turns his eyes away from what would stir unlawful desire. He refuses to entertain thoughts that would dishonor his wife. He removes opportunities for temptation and seeks the help of faithful brothers when he recognizes his weakness.These acts may seem insignificant to the world, but they matter. Much of the Christian life is lived in places where nobody else can see what is happening. There is no audience when a man resists temptation, no public recognition when he refuses to indulge a sinful thought, and no applause when he chooses obedience over immediate gratification. Yet the Lord sees these things, and they are part of the ordinary work of sanctification in the life of His people.Still, we must be careful not to define marital faithfulness only by what a husband refuses to do. A man may avoid pornography and yet remain cold, impatient, or neglectful toward his wife. He may pride himself on his outward purity while giving little attention to the woman he has promised to cherish. Scripture calls us to something more than the absence of sexual immorality. It calls us to love.Proverbs 5:18–19 instructs a husband to rejoice in the wife of his youth and to delight in her love. Notice that Scripture does not present marital affection as an unfortunate necessity or a concession to human weakness. It speaks of rejoicing and satisfaction. God has given husbands and wives the privilege of finding joy in one another within the covenant of marriage.A Christian husband should therefore seek to cultivate affection for his wife. He should take pleasure in her companionship, speak tenderly to her, and make time to know her more deeply as the years pass. He should not assume that because they have been married for many years, the work of pursuing her heart has somehow ended. Love must be nourished, and a husband who desires to honor Christ will want his wife to know that she is cherished.He ought not merely close his eyes to other women. He ought to open his heart toward his wife.

Repentance and Hope in Christ

Whenever we address a sin as destructive as pornography, we must be careful to speak truthfully about its seriousness without forgetting the mercy of God toward repentant sinners.Perhaps you are reading this as a husband who knows the shame of this sin all too well. You have made promises to yourself that you would never return to it. You have prayed, confessed, and resolved to do better, only to discover how weak your resolutions can be. You hate what you have done, yet you wonder whether lasting change is possible. You may even be afraid that the Lord has grown weary of hearing your confessions.Or perhaps you have grown comfortable with your sin. You have learned to conceal it so carefully that your conscience rarely troubles you anymore. You continue attending church, speaking about the things of God, and presenting yourself as a faithful husband while maintaining a secret life that contradicts your profession. If that describes you, then you need to hear the warnings of Scripture. It is a dangerous thing to become comfortable with what God has plainly condemned.These men are not necessarily in the same spiritual condition, and we should recognize the difference. The man who is broken over his sin needs to be directed toward the sufficiency of Christ, while the man who has made peace with his sin must be warned against the danger of a hardened heart. Yet neither will find his hope in excuses, secrecy, or the strength of his own resolutions. Both must reckon with the holiness of God and the necessity of repentance.Brother, if you are weary of your sin, there is good news. The gospel does not announce that Christ receives only those who have managed to make themselves clean. He came to save sinners. He came to redeem men and women whose hearts are corrupted by desires they cannot conquer through their own strength.In 1 Corinthians 6:9–11, Paul reminds the church that some among them had once been characterized by grievous sins, including sexual immorality. Yet he does not leave them beneath the condemnation of their former lives. He declares that they had been washed, sanctified, and justified in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and by the Spirit of God. Their past was real, and their sins were serious, but the grace of Christ had done something greater than their sin.What a comfort this ought to be to the repentant Christian. The blood of Christ is sufficient to cleanse even the sins that bring us the deepest shame. There is no need to pretend that pornography is harmless in order to find hope. We may acknowledge its wickedness fully and still proclaim that Christ is a mighty Savior.Paul writes in Romans 8:1, “There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.” That promise belongs to those who are united to Christ by faith. It does not encourage us to continue in sin, but assures us that our standing before God rests upon the righteousness of our Savior rather than the perfection of our own obedience.The Christian husband does not fight lust in order to persuade God to love him. He fights because God has loved him in Christ. His obedience is not an attempt to purchase forgiveness, but the fruit of a heart being renewed by grace. And when he stumbles, he must not flee from the only One who can cleanse and restore him.But we must not confuse the forgiveness of sin with permission to continue in it. Paul teaches in Romans 8:13 that it is by the Spirit that believers put to death the deeds of the body. We cannot overcome the corruption of our hearts through determination alone. We need the Spirit of God working through His Word, teaching us to hate what is evil and love what is pleasing to Him.Genuine repentance will bear fruit.Repentance also means turning from deception. A husband must not use private confession to God as a way to avoid honesty with his wife. He should seek faithful pastoral counsel as he takes responsibility and confesses truthfully, without minimizing his conduct or burdening her with unnecessary graphic details.A husband cannot continue protecting the very habits that have repeatedly led him into sin while claiming that he sincerely desires freedom. He may need to remove access to certain websites, abandon particular forms of entertainment, seek accountability, or receive sustained pastoral counsel. None of these things can change his heart. Only God can do that. But they may be wise and necessary steps for a man who genuinely desires to turn from sin.If his pornography has wounded his wife, he must also understand that confession does not immediately restore the trust he has broken. She may have questions, fears, and painful memories that do not disappear simply because he has repented. He must be willing to listen without becoming defensive, acknowledge the harm he has caused, and demonstrate patience as trust is rebuilt. True repentance is not offended by the time it takes for wounds to heal.And to the wife who has been wounded by such betrayal, remember that your husband’s sin does not determine your worth. Your dignity was not given to you by his attention, and it cannot be taken away by his unfaithfulness. You bear the image of God. If you belong to Christ, you are loved by a Savior whose faithfulness will never fail. You are not required to pretend that the wound is small, nor does forgiveness require you to ignore the need for truth, accountability, and genuine change.The grace of God does not teach us to make peace with sin. It teaches us to turn from ungodliness and to live in a manner pleasing to Him (Titus 2:11–12). And that same grace sustains the Christian who, conscious of his weakness, continues looking to Christ for strength to walk in obedience.

Husband, Love the Wife God Gave You

It has been years since I heard Justin Peters speak those words at the Cruciform Conference, yet they have never quite left me. Perhaps that is because they force us to consider something we would rather avoid. We are often willing to admit that pornography is sinful, but far less willing to consider what our indulgence says about the people we have promised to love.Husband, think for a moment about the woman God has given you. Think of the day you stood together and promised yourselves to one another. Think of the years that have followed, the joys you have shared, the burdens you have carried, and the countless ordinary moments that have made up your life together. She is not simply the woman you married. She is the woman you have been entrusted to love.If you have sinned against her, do not excuse it. Do not blame her appearance, her shortcomings, or the difficulties you may be experiencing in your marriage. Bring your sin before the Lord, confess it, and seek the help you need to walk faithfully. If your actions have broken her trust, be patient as that trust is rebuilt. True repentance is willing to bear the consequences of sin without demanding that others recover according to our preferred timetable.And brother, do not despair. The Christ who commands you to love your wife is the same Christ who receives repentant sinners. He knows the corruption of our hearts far better than we do, yet His mercy is greater than we can comprehend. He does not call us to overcome sin apart from Him. By His Spirit, He strengthens His people to put to death the deeds of the body and to walk in newness of life.When I think back upon Justin’s words, I am reminded that faithfulness is not simply refusing to look at another woman. It is learning, by the grace of God, to cherish the woman to whom you have given yourself.And what better example could a husband have than Jesus Christ, who loved His bride and gave Himself for her?Read more articles by Drew Von Neida and find more biblical teaching on the Servants of Grace YouTube channel.